TALES OF WEST HOLLYWOOD: PRO BONER

Picture it, Palm Springs, White Party weekend, 2012.  I was walking out of a café after lunch when I ran into Justin, a friend from LA whom I hadn’t seen in a couple of years.  After catching up for a few minutes, we learned that we were staying in houses within a few blocks of each other, and Justin invited my friends and I over for drinks in the pool that afternoon.

After grabbing some beer at the nearby 7-11 so that we didn’t look like complete mooches, we found our way to where he was staying, which was a very chic, modern house with a beautiful backyard pool and hot tub.  Justin had several friends also staying at the house, and I quickly found myself getting to know Dan and John, a beautiful couple visiting from Vancouver.

Turns out it was Dan’s birthday, and we were joining in the celebration.  The alcohol was free flowing as we all got to know each other better.  Things started getting really friendly between the Vancouver couple and me, and we found ourselves in their bed somewhere after the fifth round of margaritas.

After a steamy encounter between the three of us and a shower, Dan, the birthday boy, insisted on driving me back to my friends’ place.  (They had since left for another party.)  We pulled up to the apartment complex, parked, and proceeded to make out for a bit.  Dan then shot straight up and let out a yelp.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

He pulled a coin up and placed it on the dashboard.  “I was sitting on this quarter!”  We had a good laugh.

Dan then put his hand on my knee and leaned in a little closer.  He suddenly looked very serious, as if something was weighing on him heavily.

“I’m not quite sure how to say this, so I’m just going to come right out and ask…” he began.

“Okay……”

“I don’t want you to be offended, it’s just something that was on my mind this afternoon….”

Dear lord….what on Earth could this guy I’d met just hours earlier be drawing out like this?   Did he have some post-game commentary on our sex-capades?  Did he find a suspicious-looking mole while washing me up in the shower?  Did he see me eyeing that houseplant as we were leaving?!  (I did NOT take anything….how would I have hidden it on the ride home?)

“Just spit it out, Dan.”

And then he spit it out.

“Are you a prostitute that my boyfriend hired for my birthday?”

My mouth dropped down to my lap, over my seatbelt, and finally to the floor.  Dan could see I was caught off guard….just a bit.

“Well it’s just, you know, you’re my exact physical type, and it’s my birthday, and you just kind of appeared out of nowhere…”

This question had immediately sobered me up.  Did I come across as particularly slutty?  I was part-offended, part flattered.”

“Say something.  I mean…..are you?”

I looked him right in the eyes.  “Yes, yes I am.  And your boyfriend forgot to pay me.”

Now it was Dan whose jaw dropped.  “Oh god, how, how much did he offer you?”

I watched the panicky expression, his eyes bugging out of his head.  I couldn’t torture him any longer.

“Nah, I’m just messing with you,” I said.  “I’m friends with Justin.  I brought people with me to the house. Why would you ask me that?”

He looked uncomfortable.  “I don’t know…..It was just a great birthday gift, that’s all.   You were a great gift.  Please don’t be mad.”

I unbuckled my seat belt.  “I’m not.  But, you should know, all my sex is pro boner…”

He laughed, gesturing at the still-visible bulge in my pants.  “You don’t have to tell me that,” he said.

I smirked at my Freudian slip, then reached for the quarter he’d left on the dashboard.  I got out of the car and leaned in through the open window.

“Pro bono,” I corrected myself.  “All my sex is pro bono.”  I held up the quarter before walking away.  “I’ll just consider this my tip.”

ABOUT: TALES OF WEST HOLLYWOOD

Seeking a change in his life, the author moved to his own apartment in West Hollywood in 2008. The column is a look at the life of this single 30 year-old who’s enjoying his life while casually looking for Mr. Right…or Mr. Right Now.